Emptiness…
The feeling that I am alone, with nobody to talk to, or listen to, no mood to work, no motivation for personal growth, no mood to read books, and I just lay down and keep telling myself maybe, I don’t deserve to be loved. I wonder, where did I go wrong? Because suddenly, the closest treat me as a stranger — they don’t reply, and I keep waiting. I was there for them when they needed me, when they talked for hours, and I listened, and when things got better for them, I was nobody. Sometimes I fight over something that matters, deprioritizing that just so I can meet them.
It’s not exactly a feeling of betrayal, or maybe it is. When you truly love somebody/when they are your best friend, you should only provide and not expect from them. Still, there are times like these when I really need them. When Trying to express these feelings to them, I feel that I am not providing space to them and I don’t talk about this. Then I am blocked from all sides — can’t text/talk to them, and there’s nobody else to talk to.
Sometimes I feel like I am top of the world — doing good at work, chatting with friends, and winning. And there’s this. I know these symptoms, but I am unsure of the root cause. And I start thinking that the reasons like
- I don’t drink or smoke, so people don’t want to hang out with me,
- I don’t particularly appreciate talking shit and joking around all the time . And I want to talk something meaningful,
- I am just nice to them all the time
Sometimes one of them also suggested that I talk about some evil/bad habits about them or say that they are not looking good, and I can’t see these in them, and I don’t say this. Maybe this is the reason “Emptiness” occurs to me.
Then I think of being rude and harsh to everybody, but something, maybe an inner voice, that stops me from doing this and tells me to be the way I am and that being nice is a good thing. But later, emptiness occurs. It’s kind of a never-ending loop, a never-ending void.
Still, the emptiness remains…
